Power Rankings: Week 1

This year, we’re doing something a tad different with the model. It’s being fed my personal power rankings to help it make decisions on which bets we should make. The idea behind it is mainly for injuries — for example, if Pat Mahomes is out, the model would typically scream to bet the Chiefs since it wouldn’t have any way of knowing that Mahomes isn’t playing, but the spread would naturally adjust for it. Now I’ll be able to move the Chiefs down in the power rankings, and that will help the model make better decisions. The purpose of this column is to provide transparency on how I ranked each team. Complaints can be sent to twitter @firstandthirty. Let’s do it.

  1. Kansas City Chiefs – the defending Super Bowl champions with the best quarterback in the league snag the top spot. Outside of ketchup on steak, Pat Mahomes has zero flaws.
  2. New Orleans Saints – top to bottom, this is the best roster in the NFL. Their ability to win will depend entirely on if old man Brees can keep his elite play for an entire season.
  3. Baltimore Ravens – the Lamar Jackson truthers vs the Lamar Jackson regression screamers take the edge of their seats.
  4. San Francisco 49ers – with the departure of Emmanuel Sanders and current WR injuries, it’ll be interesting to see how Jimmy G starts the year (he’ll be handsome regardless).
  5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – two possibilities of stopping this offense A) father time or B) Brady goes full Jeter living in his house and ruins his personal life, effecting his play on the field.
  6. Seattle Seahawks – First down run, Second down run, third and long pass, end up outside the top 5 on the power rankings.
  7. Pittsburgh Steelers – I’m not sure if I should be more concerned about Ben recovering from his elbow injury or his social distancing picture.
  8. Dallas Cowboys – Dak gets his contract and a new shiny toy in WR CeeDee Lamb. Nothing can stop him except himself.
  9. Indianapolis Colts – how difficult was it for Phillip Rivers to move all 9 of his kids from southern California to Indianapolis?
  10. Los Angeles Rams – with little to no offseason help for a horrid offensive line, the Rams are banking on RT Rob Havenstein returning to his normal self.
  11. Philadelphia Eagles – this pass rush gives me nightmares, and I don’t play football for a living.
  12. Atlanta Falcons – I don’t know how it’s possible, but essentially every offensive starter is a former first round pick.
  13. Tennessee Titans – which Ryan Tannehill will show up this year?
  14. New England Patriots – No Brady, defensive covid opt outs, the same shit receiving core. This team’s success is riding on an elite secondary and the Subway man himself, Bill Belichick.
  15. Green Bay Packers – Another year of the Packers having absolutely nobody outside of DeVante Adams to throw the ball too.
  16. Minnesota Vikings – Can Adam Thielen carry a receiving core by himself? Also, picking up Yannick Ngakoue takes a slight sting out of losing Danielle Hunter.
  17. Arizona Cardinals – We’ve added DeAndre Hopkins, time to see if height matters, Kyler.
  18. Detroit Lions – So cool that they picked up another running back.
  19. Buffalo Bills – adding Stefon Diggs gives Josh Allen another option to over throw.
  20. Houston Texans – I’m still not over the David Johnson/DeAndre Hopkins trade.
  21. Los Angeles Chargers – Can Hunter Henry return to being an elite tight end? Also, remember Tyrod Taylor?
  22. Chicago Bears – the Bears dangle Nick Foles in front of their fans just to start Mitch Tribusky again.
  23. Cleveland Browns – I won’t make an Odell poop joke, no matter how badly I want to.
  24. Las Vegas Raiders – Their roster is another reason why we call it Sin City.
  25. Denver Broncos – WR Jerry Jeudy is an insane route runner. Courtland Sutton looks like a star. The only thing hold the offense back is the QB, but uh, that’s kind of important.
  26. NY Giants – I’m looking forward to watching Saquon Barkley bust out 70 yards runs while the Giants still lose by 3 scores.
  27. NY Jets – Sam Darnold has been banned from kissing until further notice.
  28. Jacksonville Jaguars – Putting Gardner Minshew near the bottom so he has yet another hater to dunk on when The Mustache wins the MVP this year.
  29. Carolina Panthers – Teddy B, CMC, DJ Moore, Robby Anderson, Curtis Samuel. This offense has sneaky potential.
  30. Cincinnati Bengals – do the Bengals think they can sell 6,000 tickets?
  31. Miami Dolphins – improvement for sure, but a long way to go.
  32. Washington Football Team – “Look at you. You haven’t even got a name tag. You’ve got no chance. Why don’t you just fall down?”

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