Power Rankings: Week 2

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m posting our in-house power rankings that is used to feed the model. These rankings are projections for each team going forward, with injury adjustments if they might be without a star player that week.

**Editors note: these were made moments before we learned that Saints WR Michael Thomas is going to miss. Luckily, the model didn’t like that game anyway.

1. Kansas City Chiefs — two words. Patrick Mafuckinghomes.
2. Baltimore Ravens — the offense looks every bit as dominant as it was a year ago. Also, not to go all Xs and Os on your ass, but cover Mark Andrews in the end zone.
3. New Orleans Saints — is the QB the biggest question on the roster? (edit: nevermind, it’s the health of the star receiver).
4. Seattle Seahawks — Pete Caroll actually featured Russell Wilson on early downs, was that due to the Falcons god-awful secondary, or a change in heart?
5. Pittsburgh Steelers — A story I made up: Drew Lock woke up in a cold sweat last night thinking about the Steelers pass rush.
6. Tampa Bay Buccanneers — I try not to overreact to one game, but damn was that offense not in sync. Mike Evans getting healthier will help immensely, however. Gronkowksi looks like a professional wrestler playing football.
7. San Francisco 49ers — they need receivers healthy, and fast.
8. Dallas Cowboys — I won’t lie, I missed Zeke Elliot’s belly button.
9. New England Patriots — I like the new look offense, but the lack of receiving options will catch up with them fast.
10. Indianapolis Colts — find somebody who loves you the way Phil Rivers loves dumping it off to running backs.
11. LA Rams — McVay’s strategy of getting the ball out of Jared Goff’s hands as fast as humanely possible is brilliant.
12. Atlanta Falcons — Julio Jones is still Julio Jones #analysis.
13. Tennessee Titans — Corey Davis goes off in game 1. It’s a contract year. Could he be a thing?
14. Green Bay Packers — So nice of you to join us, 2016 Aaron Rodgers. Will you be staying or are you taking off soon?
15. Minnesota Vikings — those poor secondaryless bastards ran into 2016 Aaron Rodgers.
16. Philadelphia Eagles — I would like 1 Lane Johnson back healthy, please.
17. Detroit Lions — D’Andre Swift and Kerryon Johnson are two second round running backs taken in the last 3 years, and yet, it was 35 year old Adrian Peterson leading the way in rushing attempts and yards.
18. Arizona Cardinals — Turns out, trading a running back for DeAndre Hopkins was a good thing.
19. Buffalo Bills — Josh Allen’s average depth of target for his first game was 6.8 yards — almost a full 3 yards shorter than previous years — and it worked. But alas, it was the Jets.
20. Houston Texans — They have Chiefs – Ravens – Steelers to start the year? You’re a mean one, Mr. Schedule Maker.
21. LA Chargers — Putting up 16 on the Bengals defense is not an encouraging sign.
22. Chicago Bears — Allen Robinson wins the race for first player to request a trade this year (allegedly).
23. Las Vegas Raiders — Josh Jacobs is trying his best to make this offense fun to watch, but Derek Carr’s conservative nature will always bore me.
24. Denver Broncos — Drew Lock sucks. I said it.
25. Jacksonville Jaguars — You cannot tank with Gardner Minshew. The mustache won’t allow it.
26. NY Giants — A solid start to Daniel Jones’s 2020 campagin.
27. Cleveland Browns — Yikes.
28. Carolina Panthers — Christian McCaffrey continues to play an absolutely absurd role on this offense. The dude doesn’t leave the field.
29. NY Jets — Oh no, Sam Darnold . . .
30. Washington Football Team— This defensive line is legit. Everything else sucks, though. (My apologies to the Native American community for accidentally calling this team the R words originally).
31. Cincinnati Bengals — A nice two minute drill for Joe Burrow, but still not a great start.
32. Miami Dolphins — With the offensive line playing better than expected and Fitzy tossing 3 picks, the Tua watch is well underway.